I will be transferring my blogging over to Dannilion.com over the next few days. This blog will remain here, but I’ll be closing comments for all except this post. I feel that this new chapter in my life is also a good time to start a new blog

I need a new toilet brush, because mine finally broke completely. Did you know you could get toilet brushes for £140? Complete madness, since you can get one that looks pretty similar in Asda for around £5. Which I’m probably going to get, because it’s chrome and that means it’s shiny, plus I can get the matching bin for only £8 for the two, and more shininess is good.

I want to get some different toothpaste, as my teeth are really sensitive at the moment.

We need some kitchen roll. Also kitchen cleaner, as Johan’s responsible for the kitchen and it’s easier for him.

Food is good. We’ll need more food, though I’m going to go through the fridge freezer and cupboards tomorrow to figure out what we already have.

I’m nearly out of water and diet cola. My rule of one bottle of sparkling water for every bottle of diet cola is good, though I can’t take my medication with water. Tastes too bad.

Pure orange/apple juice for Johan. Bread for me, plus spread and something to put on it.

I think we’re okay for pretty much everything else.

1. If you’re reading my blog, I want to know 35 things about you. I don’t care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine.
2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own blog, if you so desire.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship:
Yes

02) What was your dream growing up:
I wanted to be a computer programmer. That’s morphed into wanting to be a network engineer

03) What talent do you wish you had:
Being able to draw the stuff in my head.

04) If I bought you a drink what would it be:
Depends. Diet Coke or cider.

05) Favourite vegetable:
Carrots.

06) What was the last book you read:
Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card

07) What zodiac sign are you:
Gemini.

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where:
I got my ears pierced when I was 22, but the holes have closed up now.

09) Worst Habit:
Nail biting.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride:
No. Wheelchair is mine!

11) What is your favourite sport:
Gymnastics to watch.

12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude:
According to Johan, I’m kinda in the middle

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me:
Probably ignore you and play on my phone

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you:] OPTIONAL — substitute “best” or “weirdest,” if you prefer
Hard to pick, but the time I wasn’t believed over something serious is one of them.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you:
When I was younger, I’d memorise entire text books. I didn’t realise other people couldn’t do that until a few years ago (Oh, and I can also touch my nose with my tongue.)

16) Do you have any pets:
I have half ownership in an elderly cat called Giles. He lives with my friend Vicky.

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly:
I’d probably politely tell you to get lost I don’t deal with that sort of thing very well. Please give at least 20 minutes notice, so I can get out of bed if needs be

18) What was your first impression of me:
Her writings, I likes.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary:
Depends on the clown. I’ve seen some really creepy ones…

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be:
Lose the fat around my face.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience:
Depends on the crime

22) What colour eyes do you have:
Blue.

23) Ever been arrested:
No, but I have been taken from my home to the hospital by the police before, without my consent.

24) Bottle or can soda:
Bottles, as I seem to spill more down my front when drinking from a can.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it:
About £6550 at the moment. Erm… get a new computer, decorate, save the rest for stuff we need.

26) What’s your favourite place to hang out at:
Under my desk

27) Do you believe in ghosts:
I don’t know.

28) Favourite thing to do in your spare time:
Play computer games, read, visit new places, sleep.

29) Do you swear a lot:
No, which means when I do, it has much more of an effect

30) Biggest pet peeve:
As soon as someone gets told I’m autistic, they start talking to me as if I’m 2 years old. It doesn’t happen with everyone (thankfully), but it really annoys me (dentist at hospital was the worst).

31) In one word, how would you describe yourself:
Weird.

32) Do you believe/appreciate romance:
Yup

33) Favourite and least favourite food:
Favourite: Chocolate, bananas and chicken.
Least favourite:Nuts (especially peanuts). Even the smell can make me feel really sick.

34) Do you believe in God/a higher power/whatever you want to call it:
Yes.

35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you:
Indeed

Okay, I’ll stop singing now

I haven’t blogged for a while (no, posting YouTube videos doesn’t count). The main reason being I was unable to write anything coherent for several months. I did try to start some posts, but I’d lose concentration and not be able to work out what I was writing about.

So… last few months. My mood has improved. A lot. I’m able to be happy again. Overall, I feel more positive, more upbeat. I’m happy most days. I do still have the occasional bad day, but that’s because I’m human, and it’s not the end of the world. I get over the bad days pretty quickly. If I could, I’d be very bouncy. I want to do things. I want to go out, see people, have new experiences. There’s a big world out there, and I’ve only seen a tiny part of it.

I feel more positive about the future. I do have one. It might be a bit wonky and not be exactly what I want, but I can see myself getting to the place I want to be (though it may be 8 years later than I originally wanted).

Not everything is good though. I’m still in a near constant state of anxiety, and I still have panic attacks pretty much every time I go out. Oh, and my body is failing me. I thought initially that the tiredness I’m getting was just depression or the medication, but I’m no longer depressed and the medication hasn’t been changed, and it’s getting worse. I’m also achy and in pain all the time, and some days I can’t even walk. My hip is also worse than it was. Because of this, I now have a crutch (to try and take the weight off my hip so it’s not as bad) and a wheelchair (for when the tiredness and pain get too much, and for when I can’t walk). I’ve named the wheelchair Freedom as it means I can now go out again, whereas before I was cancelling pretty much everything as I was either too tired or in too much pain to walk. If I do go out, I spend the next day barely able to stay awake (normally sleeping around 16-18 hours of it) and struggling to move, even to go to the toilet or back up to bed. Sometimes I even have to sleep on the sofa because I can’t get up the stairs. The day after I’m still exhausted and finding it hard to move, but I only sleep around 14 hours, and then it takes a few days to get back to my normal sleep 8-12 hours and can move around the flat freely, if not for long. That’s why I don’t go out much, and why I’ve got the wheelchair.

Overall though, I’m a lot better. Okay, so physically I’m a lot worse than I was, but I can adapt to that. I’ve also seen the doctor, and he’s confident he’ll have me back to normal (or at least better than I am now) before September. This is important, as I’m going back to college then I’m doing AS Computing this year, with Edexcel WorkSkills at Interface, and should be in college 2 1/2 days a week. Next year I’m hoping to do the A2 Computing, and then after that, if my grades are good enough, go do the Computer and Network Technology Extended Degree at Northumbria (it includes a foundation year). It’s the long way of doing it, but hopefully two years part time will be long enough to get me sorted out.

I’m still playing World of Warcraft. I’ve killed the Lich King, and we’re working on Ruby Sanctum now. I spend a lot less time in there- pretty much only log in for raids. I haven’t the concentration needed to do other stuff really.

Other than that I’ve not been up to much. I’m hoping to begin blogging properly again now.

Celestial Steed direct link

Okay…

(stolen from http://www.mmo-champion.com/news-2/season-8-armor-sets-season-8-weapon-models/270/)

Johan and I have decided we need a holiday, a break. I need a break from life, he needs some rest. If we’re careful with money, we can go in March, and for various reasons (penguins, cheapness, penguins, ease of access, penguins, stuff to do and penguins) Edinburgh (my suggestion) has won out over Johan’s suggestion of the Yorkshire Dales.

I’ve provisionally found a B+B that’s suitable for the last week of March. I’ve also discovered that the train costs for the two of us will only be around £30 return, which is brilliant (London costs about £60 each). We will be going to the zoo (penguins!) and also seeking out museums and stuff that are interesting. I’ll be taking my laptop for checking emails and something to keep me entertained on the train, but other than that we’re going to try not to go online too much (as we do that at home).

So, I have a question. What places (other than the zoo) must we visit? What places should we avoid? Also, are there any nice places to eat that don’t cost the earth? We’ll be on a limited budget but want to have at least one proper meal out.

I’m starting to look forward to this.

I’ve let two psychiatrists know so far… they’ve decided it must be the other medications, you know, the ones that didn’t change. Anyway, I deserve anything that happens to me, including heart failure.

Anyway, my life is perfect compared to the vast majority of the population, so why should I be complaining?

The exact terms are these:
I won’t kill myself unless the treatment team I’m seeing on Tuesday say they can’t help (and that they won’t refer me to someone else, or a therapeutic community or something).

I also am giving the treatment team 6 months. If by then they haven’t helped, they have no ideas on how to help, and they refuse to refer me to someone else/therapeutic community or something, then I am allowed to kill myself.

This doesn’t mean I’m any better than I was, other than seeing that I’ve got to give them a chance. The pain is still unbearable, I still very much want to be dead rather than alive, I still want to kill myself… I’m just not going to. I’d been thinking about it for a few days, and this is what I came up with.

I still need a break, as does Johan. I still need a lot of help, with day to day life as well as sorting my head out. The only difference is I now have some sort of plan. Now I just need to cope with it.

Caitlynisha is now Danní. Danní is currently one of the main healers for Contains Mild Peril’s Icecrown Citadel 10 man runs, where we’ve cleared the first wing, and are now looking at the second. She’s also been doing other raids- mainly TotC 10 and 25, sometimes Ulduar 10 and 25 and Onyxia 10 and 25 (some guild runs, some pick up groups). As we’re a social guild that also raids, rather than a raiding guild, these are done for fun (with a bit of progression for ICC 10) rather than because we have to see the end game now, ktnxbai. If we wipe, we roll for blame (Danní’s never rolled lowest, so she’s currently blame-free ). She’s also recently been looking at achievements, the most recent notable one being Higher Learning.

I’ve also started a character on the Horde side (traitor!). A Blood Elf Paladin (to take advantage of the Heirlooms I have, and because it’s easy when your brain doesn’t work properly) called Catalia, she’s level 26 at the moment and it’s interesting levelling up a character on the other side. Luckily for me, I already had some friends on the Horde side from IRC and one of them was kind enough to invite me to a guild. I’m hoping to get her to 80, but I’m in no real rush- I just want to see the game as a Hordie than an Ally sometimes.

I’m not really playing my other alts at the moment, though I’m still wanting to get Dannilion to level 80, more so she can help my gold situation than anything else. I’ll play the others when I feel like it.

The medication is pregabalin, which I have for anxiety. For that, it’s actually working quite well, though before the increase caused the weakness problems it was still making me very tired/sleep too much/eat too much. Of course, the trazodone/quetiapine combo were also making me sleep too much and be tired all the time, but I’d found a new baseline for them so I know the pregabalin is making things worse. Since I’m worth so little death is too good for me, I’m stuck being tired, hungry and weak until I see the psychiatrist again on Monday. The stuff in my head is torture, and a lot of it is scaring me. I’m also a terrible friend, and fiancée, and just a terrible person. I don’t want to have to live any more.

I’m also being really antisocial, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to communicate (when I’m not being nasty to my friends, that is). I’m playing World of Warcraft and talking about that, but anything else is too difficult most of the time.

Other than that, I’ve ordered a tumble dryer and bought Johan’s 21st birthday present. I’m hoping I don’t spoil his birthday too much.

1) Your Hair
Long, mostly red, straight, currently damp as I had a bath. Was originally dyed purple but it fades to a red colour, and now my mousey brown roots are showing.

2)Your favourite food
Chicken, bananas and chocolate. In various combinations.

3)Your dream from last night
I didn’t sleep for more than 30 minutes last night. Recently all my dreams have been nightmares.

4)Your favourite drink
Hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmellows.

5)What room are you in?
The living room, though it would probably be more accurately called the penguin room, as there are tons of penguins in here.

6)What is your hobby?
Playing World of Warcraft, general computer stuff, reading.

7)What is your fear?
I’m afraid of many things. At the moment having to speak to the crisis team again *shudders*.

8)Where do you want to be in six years time?
I don’t know.

9)Where were you last night?
Up and down, on the trampoline, in bed, at my computer, on the sofa, around the flat in general. It was a bad night and I was very restless.

10) Muffins?
I like lemon muffins.

11) Last thing you did
Discussed how Onyxia has changed in raid chat (I’m waiting for an Onyxia raid to get started… it’s slow going getting a group together).

12) What are you wearing?
Purple spotty pyjamas.

13) Your TV in your house?
In the living room, normally used for playing Guitar Hero on the Wii.

14) Vehicle
Going outside be very bad.

15) Your favourite store?
Firebox.com (I likes Internet shopping).

16) Your favourite colour?
Purple.

17) When was the last time you laughed?
Properly? I have no idea. Some strange giggling on and off all day.

18) When was the last time you cried?
Last night, when I got upset at my dying in WoW so I threw my headphones at my monitor in frustration.

19) Your best friend
I have several best friends, most of them I’m avoiding as talking to people is too scary.

20) Favourite place to eat
When I’m feeling better, Taybarns.

I dare you to do them too

This is crazy, and bad, and wrong. I can’t believe Microsoft, with all its resources at its disposal, has resorted to such blatant stealing. Go read, and if you have any idea how Plurk should go about sorting this out, let them know.

Am watching television at the moment. Hundreds of channels and nothing to watch- sounds right to me

Today’s video: Dalaran

Your Existing Situation

“Searching for a close bond with others which are accepting and kind. Needs a safe, peaceful atmosphere.”

I’m not really searching for a close bond with others beyond what I already have, so that’s not accurate. I do need a safe, peaceful atmosphere though.

Your Stress Sources

“Feels unappreciated and in an unpleasant position. Needs personal recognition and the respect of others, since she has not been about to find partners who value the same things she does. she holds back her emotions and is unable to give fully of himself, but lasting isolation makes her want to change those ways and surrender to her deep urges. Giving in to her natural instincts and urges is a sign of weakness, so feeling this way makes her weak and irritable. Fighting these urges makes her feel stronger, as if she can take on anything that comes her way. Longs to be valued as an important associate and admired for her personal qualities.”

Some of this is true, but most of it doesn’t feel right to me. Giving in to my instincts and urges is a sign of weakness in me (but only me) and it does make me feel weak and irritable. The rest isn’t so true at the moment.

“Demanding and picky in her relationships, but careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements and this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas.”

Okay, this is pretty true, though I try not to be demanding

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Yes, yes, yes.

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

Yes…

“Willing to become emotionally involved, but is demanding and picky when choosing a partner. Is careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements as this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas.”

Well, yes. I include my partner in types of relationships.

Your Desired Objective

“Longs for tenderness and for a feeling of acceptance from a partner. Appreciates things that are beautiful, pleasing to the eye, and stylish.”

The first is true. The second, well, I like pretty things, but I’m not so sure about stylish

Your Actual Problem

Lack of energy leaves her unnoticed to pursue further activities or demands placed on her. she feels powerless which leaves her agitated and depressed. Tries to escape from her struggles by searching for peaceful and restful conditions in which to relax and recover in an atmosphere full of security.

This is scarily true.

Your Actual Problem #2

“Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other.”

This is true. I’m lucky to have it

As I’m currently completely nocturnal (going to bed at 8.30am, waking up again after it gets dark) I’ve not done much today. Scared Colin because the living room and kitchen were actually tidy (a sure sign I’m ill ) and I braved Asda. Was doing fine until a policeman walked into the shop as well. I bought a bottle of Mint Chocolate Baileys (my favourite) and annoyed Colin because I wasn’t IDed for it (today I look over 25- must be bags under my eyes ). Johan got a new shirt and jumper (purple!) and some gloves and a belt (which goes around his coat he’s that tiny) and I got a purple bra, which is yay.

Mood-wise I was really bad last night. Today hasn’t been quite as bad, but still not exactly great. My hip has also been really painful. At 6am this morning I bought some extra channels for Sky, as we discovered that some of the ones we wanted to watch were in other packages. Using Sky Active it was instantaneous which was cool.

Johan has just informed me that the bags under my eyes are a permanent feature. I’m not entirely sure that’s a compliment.

Apart from that, I’ve not been up to much. A bit of tidying and cleaning, playing on the Wii, playing in World of Warcraft and occasionally posting in forums. I need a new keyboard and mouse for my computer, just need to find the ones I want. I also really need to start my Christmas shopping.

Today’s video: The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody