Danni’s Blog

Because it can’t exactly make things worse.

Okay…

(stolen from http://www.mmo-champion.com/news-2/season-8-armor-sets-season-8-weapon-models/270/)

Time for a slightly less depressing post.

Johan and I have decided we need a holiday, a break. I need a break from life, he needs some rest. If we’re careful with money, we can go in March, and for various reasons (penguins, cheapness, penguins, ease of access, penguins, stuff to do and penguins) Edinburgh (my suggestion) has won out over Johan’s suggestion of the Yorkshire Dales.

I’ve provisionally found a B+B that’s suitable for the last week of March. I’ve also discovered that the train costs for the two of us will only be around £30 return, which is brilliant (London costs about £60 each). We will be going to the zoo (penguins!) and also seeking out museums and stuff that are interesting. I’ll be taking my laptop for checking emails and something to keep me entertained on the train, but other than that we’re going to try not to go online too much (as we do that at home).

So, I have a question. What places (other than the zoo) must we visit? What places should we avoid? Also, are there any nice places to eat that don’t cost the earth? We’ll be on a limited budget but want to have at least one proper meal out.

I’m starting to look forward to this.

I’m just trying to deal with the fact that after agreeing not to kill myself, it turns out that I may have heart failure as a side effect of the new medication (“If you are gaining weight rapidly, this may be due to fluid retention and heart failure, possible side effects of Lyrica. Let your healthcare provider know right away if you notice rapid weight gain, as this can be a sign of congestive heart failure (CHF).”).

I’ve let two psychiatrists know so far… they’ve decided it must be the other medications, you know, the ones that didn’t change. Anyway, I deserve anything that happens to me, including heart failure.

Anyway, my life is perfect compared to the vast majority of the population, so why should I be complaining?

I have a new agreement with Johan. I’m not going to try and commit suicide unless I can’t get treatment, or the treatment doesn’t work.

The exact terms are these:
I won’t kill myself unless the treatment team I’m seeing on Tuesday say they can’t help (and that they won’t refer me to someone else, or a therapeutic community or something).

I also am giving the treatment team 6 months. If by then they haven’t helped, they have no ideas on how to help, and they refuse to refer me to someone else/therapeutic community or something, then I am allowed to kill myself.

This doesn’t mean I’m any better than I was, other than seeing that I’ve got to give them a chance. The pain is still unbearable, I still very much want to be dead rather than alive, I still want to kill myself… I’m just not going to. I’d been thinking about it for a few days, and this is what I came up with.

I still need a break, as does Johan. I still need a lot of help, with day to day life as well as sorting my head out. The only difference is I now have some sort of plan. Now I just need to cope with it.