Danni's Blog

So I’m still very suicidal and stuff. Nothing anyone can do- the things that will help either take forever or are now closed off forever. Would be dead, but medication has been added, then increased, and I can barely walk to the toilet, never mind anywhere outside. It feels like the muscle weakness you get with the flu, only with a bit less pain. I can’t even bounce any more. Oh, I’ve also put on 16lbs (1 stone 2lbs, 7.26kg) in weight since I started this medication 16 days ago (1lb a day then), not helped by the fact I’m hungry all the time, and don’t feel full. Oh yes, and that normally I’m in constant motion and now I can’t, because any movement is tiring, including computer stuff. I’ve worked out a way to rest my arms so only my fingers have to move while I’m typing, as that’s less tiring.

The medication is pregabalin, which I have for anxiety. For that, it’s actually working quite well, though before the increase caused the weakness problems it was still making me very tired/sleep too much/eat too much. Of course, the trazodone/quetiapine combo were also making me sleep too much and be tired all the time, but I’d found a new baseline for them so I know the pregabalin is making things worse. Since I’m worth so little death is too good for me, I’m stuck being tired, hungry and weak until I see the psychiatrist again on Monday. The stuff in my head is torture, and a lot of it is scaring me. I’m also a terrible friend, and fiancée, and just a terrible person. I don’t want to have to live any more.

I’m also being really antisocial, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to communicate (when I’m not being nasty to my friends, that is). I’m playing World of Warcraft and talking about that, but anything else is too difficult most of the time.

Other than that, I’ve ordered a tumble dryer and bought Johan’s 21st birthday present. I’m hoping I don’t spoil his birthday too much.