Danni's Blog

I am currently thinking a lot about going to college in September. I know what course I’m doing (I can’t find it online, though there’s a newspaper report about it here), that I’ll be taking A Level Maths at the same time, and I’m considering doing the full CCNA. It’s going to be different this time from previously, partially because it’s a completely different course (I’ve always done normal computer courses up to now) but also because for the first time in my academic life, I’ll be receiving official support.

I didn’t know when I was in school that I was autistic, and thought (and was told) that all my problems were due to being stupid and lazy. At nearly 16 I was told that I was dyspraxic, and that explained quite a bit, including why it hurt my hand to write, why I was slower than others at writing, and why my handwriting wasn’t as nice as I wanted it to be. It also explained why I was still falling and tripping over things. Somehow I passed my GCSEs without extra support, while depressed, and with a lot of other things going on in my life (I moved out of my mother’s house during the middle of my exams).

When I went to college, I discovered that although I could do the practical work fine (it was computers), and answer direct questions, I really struggled with essay-type questions and coursework. This was the same problem I had in my GCSEs (most of it never got handed in). This didn’t help with the depression, and more than once I had to drop out of college or didn’t complete the course because of it (the last time I went into hospital just before the end of the course).

This time, I have this massive form to fill in (or rather, for Vicky to fill in with my input) and will be able to attempt to explain the difficulties I have with academic stuff. The thing that worries me though is that my depression is pretty bad at the moment (getting out of bed is hard, I’m not sleeping properly so I’m stupidly tired when I’m awake, I can’t be bothered to even do the things I like doing, along with the whole wanting to be dead but not wanting to hurt other people by making it so myself thing). I’m not sure how that’s going to impact on the college course.

Last week was the summer school at college, and that was interesting, fun, but also pointed out to me some of the problems I’m going to face. It takes about an hour and a half to travel to college on public transport, and that meant I was very anxious when I arrived. It took a couple of hours for me to calm down enough to really take in what was happening, and during that period I found questions really hard to answer, especially personal ones (the evil “how are you”, and asking what I wanted to do and things). This also got worse as the week went on, compounded by being in physical pain (my hip is getting worse, and I will see the doctor about it as soon as we get registered). Of course, this is made worse by me not being able to show how I’m feeling properly, though Vicky is getting pretty good at noticing, especially when I’m in pain.

Apart from the small problem of me not coping when she’s not here for several days, various household appliances not working, and me feeling really guilty about not doing the housework, things are going well with Vicky. To make things even better, we’re getting a cat on Sunday. I have wanted a cat for a long time, but until now that wasn’t possible (I’m not able to look after myself properly yet, nevermind a cat). I am trying to be pretty practical about having a cat, making sure we can afford to keep him and things, but Vicky’s planning names and things, and has been bouncing around and is really excited. I am pleased, but it’s hard to be excited about anything at the moment, even things I really want, and have wanted for a long time.