We’re all going to die, yadda yadda yadda. Like we were of bird flu last time.

There are some advantages to being so stressed and anxious all the time: it suppresses the immune system so I’m less likely to die from swine flu (wait, that’s not a good thing. Hummm- where are the vitamins?).

Anyway, today’s XKCD comic made me laugh. However, if you try to lick me I’m gonna thwap you. You have been warned.

(Thanks to Sanabitur Anima Mea for reminding me of this )

@SecondLie: GLaDOS Linden thanks you for testing release 1.26 on the Linden Lab Computer-Aided Enrichment Grid. Care for some cake?

I have been thinking (don’t all fall out of your seats- this actually happens all the time, just most of what I think doesn’t make any sense). I am going to make a list of the things I feel I need help with, and give it to people who may need it. It will hopefully also explain why I’m struggling so much at the moment. Next step will be to actually get help for the most important things on that list (at the moment, someone to come with me to hospital appointments).

I have discovered that most people want to talk to me after midnight. I know it’s my fault that I’ve forgotten to set my instant messenger status to away when I went to bed, but by most standards I actually have a pretty normal sleep routine now (though if I can get away with it it lasts a few hours longer than most peoples) so apologies to the 4 people who tried to talk to me between midnight and 4am this morning (anyone later than that (total: 1) should have known better ).

I am far more forgetful than normal now. I think it’s because my brain is completely overloaded from everything from the last few weeks, and now it’s all wonky and not doing things right. I’m even forgetting little things that I don’t normally have to think about, like wetting my hair before putting shampoo on it (and in the process using the last of the nice shampoo I had… grr). I think I need a proper rest…

… which isn’t going to happen. This is only sorta half term, as the A Level students don’t get one so I have maths on Wednesday and Friday, which means going into to college, which means the normal stress from that. Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment, Thursday I’m meant to be going bowling with Laura (which I’m looking forward to). That means that including taking Johan to the train station today, I’m still getting buses everyday this week, which is just a bit meh. I also need to sort out what I’m doing with Sammie this week.

I have enjoyed having Johan here this weekend. We didn’t do anything really- just did our normal stuff but in each other’s company. I am glad of that, as it was much more comfortable than going out would have been. We’ve eaten a lot of junk food from the pizza shop downstairs (not including the large quantities of chocolate), drank a load of pop, and just watched Buffy and I’ve played World of Warcraft (in between server problems). Yesterday Johan didn’t even get dressed, and I only did because we needed food

Today he goes home. I will be sad to see him go, but he has lectures to attend at uni. Giles will probably be disappointed with not being able to interrupt our morning cuddle sessions. When he’s gone I’ll start with sorting this flat out. I’m trying to convince Colin to take my junk to the tip, but it’s not going as well as it could. I really want to get the flat sorted properly soon, but lots of little things like that are making it difficult.

Today then. I need to find out when Vicky is coming back (she’s at her parents, and she probably told me but I’ve forgotten ) and do a tiny amount of housework. I may also go on World of Warcraft again (I want to level up soon) and maybe snuggle a bit more with Johan before he goes. I also need to find how to get to the hospital tomorrow, and beg Colin to come with me (which probably won’t work, which will mean it won’t go too great).

The hospital appointment tomorrow is at the Sleep Clinic at the Freeman. I’ve never been there before, so I have anxiety over going to somewhere new on top of my normal travel anxiety and going to hospital anxiety and having to make myself understood anxiety. I also have to remember all the stuff I needed to tell them, like the waking up not being able to breathe and just how poor my sleep actually is (since August I’ve not been properly awake). I’m also slightly worried that they’re just going to blame my depression, which though is bad now wasn’t as bad when I saw the doctor about the sleep problems last year.

Oh, and I’ve just had an email from the library saying one of the books I reserved has arrived, so I’m going to go pick that up today. I need to find all the books I’ve already got out to return them as well- I’ve already had the two renewals I’m allowed on them

I’m not really Plurking or Twittering or going into Second Life much at the moment. I’m just not up to doing the whole socialisation thing, even online (which is normally much easier). Hopefully that will get better soon. I think I’m going to need a proper break though, and Easter is a long time away.

Things are still hard. I went to bed at 6pm last night, woke up several times and fell back asleep, and woke up at 3 and didn’t get back to sleep, so at 4.45am I got up, came downstairs and played on World of Warcraft for a bit, trying to level my Rogue Blood Elf (on a different server to my normal characters) as my server was down for maintenance. Managed a couple of levels (from level 6 to level and went back to bed around 7am. Fell asleep again somewhere around 8am, and got up again at around 1pm.

I’m still tired. Stupidly so. I have the appointment at the sleep clinic in a couple of weeks, but I know that I’m a lot more depressed now than I was when I went to see the doctor, so I’m worried they’re going to think that’s the only cause. I don’t think it is. Whatever the reason, doing things is really hard, because of tiredness and lack of motivation and just wanting to be in bed.

I didn’t miss any days from college last week, even though it was hard (and I had to deal with people asking me if I was okay all week- no I’m not, and that was my response to nearly everyone who asked, but for some reason I said I was in maths- mainly because it wasn’t the maths that was causing problems). It was my projector day on Friday, and as I didn’t want to use it Stephen decided he wanted to, but I asked for it not to go on (I’d just finished a 3 hour maths lesson that was nearly torture because of brain problems). I was finding it really hard to cope with all the noise and stuff, and by the time ICT came along (now renamed Science and Technology, as we don’t actually do much IT in it ) I just disconnected and went into this silly mood, which got me through the last three hours. I paid for it later though- I nearly fell asleep on the Metro and then the bus home.

Today I managed to have the bath I was meant to have on Thursday, got dressed for a short period to go to the shops to buy some toilet paper and some microwave meals (Vicky had bought some ready meals, but they were oven only and on Friday I overcooked my chicken by 40 minutes before I remembered that I was cooking- the microwave turns itself off when it’s done). I’ve also been playing on World of Warcraft on my main character, but I keep dying due to not being able to concentrate well.

My biggest achievement (apart from going shopping, which was huge) is actually tidying my computer desk. It was so bad I couldn’t find anything on it, and now it’s nice and tidy. I got a T-Mobile G1 phone last week (the Google Android phone) so I finally have a camera, so I took a photo of it so I’d remember what it looks like tidy.

The phone is good. It’s even easier to use than my Nokia E61 had been, has a camera, touch screen, qwerty keypad, trackball and motion sensors, and a load of applications that can be added to it. I’ve so far added a book (Anne of Green Gables), some games, a brain trainer, an ssh client, a twitter client, and a weather application. I’m sure I’ll be adding more in the future, but that will do for now.

I’m not in college on Monday. Tomorrow I see Sammie, and get more sleep. I also plan on tidying a bit more if the living room. On Monday I’ll be washing clothes, and maybe tidying my bedroom. Tuesday it’s college again. I need to decide whether to continue with maths or not. At the moment I’m very much leaning towards no, but I’m wondering if I can continue to do the lessons without being entered into the exam, so I don’t have the pressure. It’s something I may ask next week.

I also received another letter from my MP today. I tried to read it, but it wasn’t making much sense to me, so I’m not sure what it’s really saying yet (though it has something to do with aid in Gaza). I guess I’ll read it again when my brain is working slightly better.