Danni Matzk doesn’t exist any more. This is because I got married today, so am now Mrs. Danni Brennand.

I will be transferring my blogging over to Dannilion.com over the next few days. This blog will remain here, but I’ll be closing comments for all except this post. I feel that this new chapter in my life is also a good time to start a new blog

So I’m still very suicidal and stuff. Nothing anyone can do- the things that will help either take forever or are now closed off forever. Would be dead, but medication has been added, then increased, and I can barely walk to the toilet, never mind anywhere outside. It feels like the muscle weakness you get with the flu, only with a bit less pain. I can’t even bounce any more. Oh, I’ve also put on 16lbs (1 stone 2lbs, 7.26kg) in weight since I started this medication 16 days ago (1lb a day then), not helped by the fact I’m hungry all the time, and don’t feel full. Oh yes, and that normally I’m in constant motion and now I can’t, because any movement is tiring, including computer stuff. I’ve worked out a way to rest my arms so only my fingers have to move while I’m typing, as that’s less tiring.

The medication is pregabalin, which I have for anxiety. For that, it’s actually working quite well, though before the increase caused the weakness problems it was still making me very tired/sleep too much/eat too much. Of course, the trazodone/quetiapine combo were also making me sleep too much and be tired all the time, but I’d found a new baseline for them so I know the pregabalin is making things worse. Since I’m worth so little death is too good for me, I’m stuck being tired, hungry and weak until I see the psychiatrist again on Monday. The stuff in my head is torture, and a lot of it is scaring me. I’m also a terrible friend, and fiancée, and just a terrible person. I don’t want to have to live any more.

I’m also being really antisocial, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to communicate (when I’m not being nasty to my friends, that is). I’m playing World of Warcraft and talking about that, but anything else is too difficult most of the time.

Other than that, I’ve ordered a tumble dryer and bought Johan’s 21st birthday present. I’m hoping I don’t spoil his birthday too much.

Well, after giving back Baby Martin to his mummy, I went to bed, so I’ve been asleep since 2pm. Only woke up an hour ago and will have to go back to bed in a few minutes. Ah well

College tomorrow, which I’m not looking forward to. I’ve missed so much and have a lot of catching up to do, at the same time my brain is being made stupid by my medication. Fun. I’m not entirely sure I can catch up, but am going to try this week. I’m also thinking of getting Sky television, as I miss it so much. Will decide on Tuesday.

Today’s video: Tim Minchin – Canvas Bags

I kidnapped a baby! (I didn’t really- just Johan and I are babysitting Baby Martin tonight to give Becca a break.)

Not done much today. Was doing Naxx in World of Warcraft until Becca arrived with Baby Martin, and I’ve been looking after him since (well, gave him a bottle and settled him down to sleep- tired baby be tired). I’d had a lie in today so haven’t actually had time to do anything else. Got stuff to do tomorrow though. Oh yes, I got my birthday present from Becca and Martin today- several penguins, including a purple one and a microwaveable one The microwaveable one (that is just so wrong ) is really heavy, so that’s awesome. Deep pressure for the win!

Today’s video: River Tam (Stand in the Rain)

Not done much today, as the doctor increased my medication yesterday and today I was plagued by side effects (nausea, excessive tiredness, feeling a bit unreal, headache, dry mouth, dizziness). They will ease off as my body gets used to the new dose. It did mean I couldn’t meet up with my brother and sister today so that was a bit sad

Video of the day: Misheard lyrics of the song Wishmaster