“This was a triumph. I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.”

Okay, I’ll stop singing now

I haven’t blogged for a while (no, posting YouTube videos doesn’t count). The main reason being I was unable to write anything coherent for several months. I did try to start some posts, but I’d lose concentration and not be able to work out what I was writing about.

So… last few months. My mood has improved. A lot. I’m able to be happy again. Overall, I feel more positive, more upbeat. I’m happy most days. I do still have the occasional bad day, but that’s because I’m human, and it’s not the end of the world. I get over the bad days pretty quickly. If I could, I’d be very bouncy. I want to do things. I want to go out, see people, have new experiences. There’s a big world out there, and I’ve only seen a tiny part of it.

I feel more positive about the future. I do have one. It might be a bit wonky and not be exactly what I want, but I can see myself getting to the place I want to be (though it may be 8 years later than I originally wanted).

Not everything is good though. I’m still in a near constant state of anxiety, and I still have panic attacks pretty much every time I go out. Oh, and my body is failing me. I thought initially that the tiredness I’m getting was just depression or the medication, but I’m no longer depressed and the medication hasn’t been changed, and it’s getting worse. I’m also achy and in pain all the time, and some days I can’t even walk. My hip is also worse than it was. Because of this, I now have a crutch (to try and take the weight off my hip so it’s not as bad) and a wheelchair (for when the tiredness and pain get too much, and for when I can’t walk). I’ve named the wheelchair Freedom as it means I can now go out again, whereas before I was cancelling pretty much everything as I was either too tired or in too much pain to walk. If I do go out, I spend the next day barely able to stay awake (normally sleeping around 16-18 hours of it) and struggling to move, even to go to the toilet or back up to bed. Sometimes I even have to sleep on the sofa because I can’t get up the stairs. The day after I’m still exhausted and finding it hard to move, but I only sleep around 14 hours, and then it takes a few days to get back to my normal sleep 8-12 hours and can move around the flat freely, if not for long. That’s why I don’t go out much, and why I’ve got the wheelchair.

Overall though, I’m a lot better. Okay, so physically I’m a lot worse than I was, but I can adapt to that. I’ve also seen the doctor, and he’s confident he’ll have me back to normal (or at least better than I am now) before September. This is important, as I’m going back to college then I’m doing AS Computing this year, with Edexcel WorkSkills at Interface, and should be in college 2 1/2 days a week. Next year I’m hoping to do the A2 Computing, and then after that, if my grades are good enough, go do the Computer and Network Technology Extended Degree at Northumbria (it includes a foundation year). It’s the long way of doing it, but hopefully two years part time will be long enough to get me sorted out.

I’m still playing World of Warcraft. I’ve killed the Lich King, and we’re working on Ruby Sanctum now. I spend a lot less time in there- pretty much only log in for raids. I haven’t the concentration needed to do other stuff really.

Other than that I’ve not been up to much. I’m hoping to begin blogging properly again now.

Fish feasts, lots of fish feasts.

Current thoughts- should I get a wheelchair or not? Would just be for times when I’m in too much pain to walk.

Video:

Today I went into college, still full of cold but at least with my temperature hovering more in the normal range, and it went well. It was my first day in the other group on the course (as I was off yesterday) and now I remember what a normal college class was like. They weren’t being disruptive every 2 minutes, they were talking quietly in lessons, able to joke around while still getting work done, and it was just much more relaxed. I actually enjoyed my mainstream course for the first time since I started.

Interface was really noisy at lunchtime, and I was pretty anxious in there, not quite knowing what to do with myself. I think it’s something to discuss with my keyworker. I also need some help to explain something to one of the students there, as I think they may have misunderstood my intentions today. That should be pretty easy to clear up though.

I’m tired, really tired. I mixed up the dates for my first counselling appointment (next week, not this week) so I have Communication and Employability tomorrow. Group 1 don’t seem all too keen on it either, so I’m probably not the only one not really wanting to go. Compulsory unit though. Enrichment in the afternoon, and I have no idea what I’ll be doing- whatever group is quietest I’ll join, I think.

In other news, I went to Dorkbot Newcastle last night. It was awesome. All three presenters were making me squee, and I really want to do stuff now.

Evan’s presentation of different drawing software things (some of which he coded) make me want really bad, and since they’re open source and things I can gets! The images and things are brilliant stimmy things for me.

Aaron’s presentation on what you can do with Arduino stuff was great. I love little robots that do small but fun things, and the idea of a Tweetwriter (an electronic typewriter that types all tweets with your username in them) is just super cool. Johan’s planning on getting an Arduino board very soon, and if it’s as easy as it looks I may be joining him.

Alistair showed us something he’d made with an Arduino- a percussion machine. From what I saw, it wasn’t that complicated (though as I’m not a coder I could be wrong) but the results were a lot of fun. He did have an idea of setting up loads of them across a long table. That I want to see!

Afterwards we chatted to a few people, about random, mostly geeky, stuff. I’m finding it a lot easier than I used to (though I do have to remember not to keep going on and on about Linux…) and we even continued chatting on the street after we were kicked out the building, even though it was freezing. Went to bed late but still managed to get to college on time, mostly with a big dose of luck. It was definitely a good night out, much better than an Onyxia run in World of Warcraft for Johan, and I’d love to go to another. Also, since I’ve now seen some of where the next BarCamp Newcastle will be held (I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a brightly coloured room- I was glad when they turned the lights down as I’d forgotten my tinted glasses) I’m really looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to seeing some explody things, possibly

I want to be able to leave the flat alone without feeling crazy anxious.
I want to be able to walk up some stairs normally without my hip reminding me it hates me.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning without feeling like a drugged sloth.
I want to know what it’s like to be awake again.
I want to be able to run around without paying for it with lots of pain.
I want to have the energy so I don’t have to choose between doing things I should and doing things I want.
I want to go an entire day without my brain yelling at me.
I want to not be scared of college because I know it’s going to be torture.
I want to be able to wake up on time for college for an entire week.
I want to know what to do if I need to stay off college or am going to be late (by a couple of hours).
I want to know when I’m too ill for college, so I don’t drag myself in anyway.
I want to complete this college course.
I want to go to university.
I want to get a job in IT so I don’t feel like a burden on society any more.
I want to be able to walk around college without feeling panicky.
I want to stop having panic attacks.
I want to get married to a great guy (Johan).
I want to get well again.
I want to get 100 karma on Plurk so I can (taser) everyone
I want to get rid of this stinking cold.
I want a bed.
I want to lose enough weight to get back into a normal weight range.
I want to not be patronised just because I look odd, different or because I’m autistic or disabled.
I want people to stop assuming that I’m not able to do things because of <insert random reason here>.
I want to find it easier to ask for help when I need it.
I want it to be accepted that when I ask for help, I need it, even if it may not fit their boxes.
I want to go visit penguins in the wild.
I want to be able to work out if moving to a new flat (with a cheaper rent closer to the college) would be a good idea.
I want Sammie to be happy.
I want to go on an aeroplane.
I want to get my first credit card, and buy something frivolous with it (but that I can afford, obviously).
I want to do level 3 for Key Skills if I’m being forced to do it, not level 2.

I think this may be a reoccurring topic. Some of these wants are in progress, some are easily possible, some probably harder. Too tired for more now though

I’m procrastinating, tons. I have an assignment that absolutely must be in Tuesday, and though it’s not that hard (I have too much information, rather than not enough) I just can’t get myself to do it. I think it is partially the amount of threats that if it’s late it will be marked as a non-submission. That and my brain is being awkward about it. I guess I will be working on it tomorrow, as I need to go to bed soon. The college library is open until 8pm, and I’m not allowed to leave until it’s done.

This course in some ways is showing me just how much my brain fails compared to when I last did an IT course. Back then, I still had a photographic memory for text, and though my social skills were worse (though my current college class probably can’t tell, as I never speak to them), my academic skills in general were better. As I grew up with a photographic memory, I’ve never learnt how to study properly, as I’ve never needed to before. Add to that worsened short term memory, and my normal complete disorganisation and this course is going to be interesting.

I’m also procrastinating on household tasks. There again, so is Johan and he doesn’t have college to worry about We have got an agreement that on college days I send him a todo list that he can work on. This of course requires me to remember to send it, so how long it will go on for I’m not sure. In a way though I’ve needed this time off this weekend, as on Friday I got home from college and went to bed nearly immediately, and had to be woken up to take my medication. I’ve been in good spirits the last week or so (maybe too much at times) and really enjoyed spending time with Sammie yesterday, in between her many social events. She definitely does not have her mother’s social difficulties

And I ended up procrastinating on this blog post, as well. Will write again later.