“This was a triumph. I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.”

Okay, I’ll stop singing now

I haven’t blogged for a while (no, posting YouTube videos doesn’t count). The main reason being I was unable to write anything coherent for several months. I did try to start some posts, but I’d lose concentration and not be able to work out what I was writing about.

So… last few months. My mood has improved. A lot. I’m able to be happy again. Overall, I feel more positive, more upbeat. I’m happy most days. I do still have the occasional bad day, but that’s because I’m human, and it’s not the end of the world. I get over the bad days pretty quickly. If I could, I’d be very bouncy. I want to do things. I want to go out, see people, have new experiences. There’s a big world out there, and I’ve only seen a tiny part of it.

I feel more positive about the future. I do have one. It might be a bit wonky and not be exactly what I want, but I can see myself getting to the place I want to be (though it may be 8 years later than I originally wanted).

Not everything is good though. I’m still in a near constant state of anxiety, and I still have panic attacks pretty much every time I go out. Oh, and my body is failing me. I thought initially that the tiredness I’m getting was just depression or the medication, but I’m no longer depressed and the medication hasn’t been changed, and it’s getting worse. I’m also achy and in pain all the time, and some days I can’t even walk. My hip is also worse than it was. Because of this, I now have a crutch (to try and take the weight off my hip so it’s not as bad) and a wheelchair (for when the tiredness and pain get too much, and for when I can’t walk). I’ve named the wheelchair Freedom as it means I can now go out again, whereas before I was cancelling pretty much everything as I was either too tired or in too much pain to walk. If I do go out, I spend the next day barely able to stay awake (normally sleeping around 16-18 hours of it) and struggling to move, even to go to the toilet or back up to bed. Sometimes I even have to sleep on the sofa because I can’t get up the stairs. The day after I’m still exhausted and finding it hard to move, but I only sleep around 14 hours, and then it takes a few days to get back to my normal sleep 8-12 hours and can move around the flat freely, if not for long. That’s why I don’t go out much, and why I’ve got the wheelchair.

Overall though, I’m a lot better. Okay, so physically I’m a lot worse than I was, but I can adapt to that. I’ve also seen the doctor, and he’s confident he’ll have me back to normal (or at least better than I am now) before September. This is important, as I’m going back to college then I’m doing AS Computing this year, with Edexcel WorkSkills at Interface, and should be in college 2 1/2 days a week. Next year I’m hoping to do the A2 Computing, and then after that, if my grades are good enough, go do the Computer and Network Technology Extended Degree at Northumbria (it includes a foundation year). It’s the long way of doing it, but hopefully two years part time will be long enough to get me sorted out.

I’m still playing World of Warcraft. I’ve killed the Lich King, and we’re working on Ruby Sanctum now. I spend a lot less time in there- pretty much only log in for raids. I haven’t the concentration needed to do other stuff really.

Other than that I’ve not been up to much. I’m hoping to begin blogging properly again now.

I’m just trying to deal with the fact that after agreeing not to kill myself, it turns out that I may have heart failure as a side effect of the new medication (“If you are gaining weight rapidly, this may be due to fluid retention and heart failure, possible side effects of Lyrica. Let your healthcare provider know right away if you notice rapid weight gain, as this can be a sign of congestive heart failure (CHF).”).

I’ve let two psychiatrists know so far… they’ve decided it must be the other medications, you know, the ones that didn’t change. Anyway, I deserve anything that happens to me, including heart failure.

Anyway, my life is perfect compared to the vast majority of the population, so why should I be complaining?

So I’m still very suicidal and stuff. Nothing anyone can do- the things that will help either take forever or are now closed off forever. Would be dead, but medication has been added, then increased, and I can barely walk to the toilet, never mind anywhere outside. It feels like the muscle weakness you get with the flu, only with a bit less pain. I can’t even bounce any more. Oh, I’ve also put on 16lbs (1 stone 2lbs, 7.26kg) in weight since I started this medication 16 days ago (1lb a day then), not helped by the fact I’m hungry all the time, and don’t feel full. Oh yes, and that normally I’m in constant motion and now I can’t, because any movement is tiring, including computer stuff. I’ve worked out a way to rest my arms so only my fingers have to move while I’m typing, as that’s less tiring.

The medication is pregabalin, which I have for anxiety. For that, it’s actually working quite well, though before the increase caused the weakness problems it was still making me very tired/sleep too much/eat too much. Of course, the trazodone/quetiapine combo were also making me sleep too much and be tired all the time, but I’d found a new baseline for them so I know the pregabalin is making things worse. Since I’m worth so little death is too good for me, I’m stuck being tired, hungry and weak until I see the psychiatrist again on Monday. The stuff in my head is torture, and a lot of it is scaring me. I’m also a terrible friend, and fiancée, and just a terrible person. I don’t want to have to live any more.

I’m also being really antisocial, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to communicate (when I’m not being nasty to my friends, that is). I’m playing World of Warcraft and talking about that, but anything else is too difficult most of the time.

Other than that, I’ve ordered a tumble dryer and bought Johan’s 21st birthday present. I’m hoping I don’t spoil his birthday too much.

A month to Christmas. Yikes.

As I’m currently completely nocturnal (going to bed at 8.30am, waking up again after it gets dark) I’ve not done much today. Scared Colin because the living room and kitchen were actually tidy (a sure sign I’m ill ) and I braved Asda. Was doing fine until a policeman walked into the shop as well. I bought a bottle of Mint Chocolate Baileys (my favourite) and annoyed Colin because I wasn’t IDed for it (today I look over 25- must be bags under my eyes ). Johan got a new shirt and jumper (purple!) and some gloves and a belt (which goes around his coat he’s that tiny) and I got a purple bra, which is yay.

Mood-wise I was really bad last night. Today hasn’t been quite as bad, but still not exactly great. My hip has also been really painful. At 6am this morning I bought some extra channels for Sky, as we discovered that some of the ones we wanted to watch were in other packages. Using Sky Active it was instantaneous which was cool.

Johan has just informed me that the bags under my eyes are a permanent feature. I’m not entirely sure that’s a compliment.

Apart from that, I’ve not been up to much. A bit of tidying and cleaning, playing on the Wii, playing in World of Warcraft and occasionally posting in forums. I need a new keyboard and mouse for my computer, just need to find the ones I want. I also really need to start my Christmas shopping.

Today’s video: The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

Today I did some exercise on the Wii Fit, and I’m now paying for it with ton of hip pain. I was also in Ulduar tonight with my guildies. I received a book I’d ordered from Amazon, which is a bit weird. I’ll read more before I post more about it.

I still feel bleh.

Today’s video: A Glorious Dawn