“This was a triumph. I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.”

Okay, I’ll stop singing now

I haven’t blogged for a while (no, posting YouTube videos doesn’t count). The main reason being I was unable to write anything coherent for several months. I did try to start some posts, but I’d lose concentration and not be able to work out what I was writing about.

So… last few months. My mood has improved. A lot. I’m able to be happy again. Overall, I feel more positive, more upbeat. I’m happy most days. I do still have the occasional bad day, but that’s because I’m human, and it’s not the end of the world. I get over the bad days pretty quickly. If I could, I’d be very bouncy. I want to do things. I want to go out, see people, have new experiences. There’s a big world out there, and I’ve only seen a tiny part of it.

I feel more positive about the future. I do have one. It might be a bit wonky and not be exactly what I want, but I can see myself getting to the place I want to be (though it may be 8 years later than I originally wanted).

Not everything is good though. I’m still in a near constant state of anxiety, and I still have panic attacks pretty much every time I go out. Oh, and my body is failing me. I thought initially that the tiredness I’m getting was just depression or the medication, but I’m no longer depressed and the medication hasn’t been changed, and it’s getting worse. I’m also achy and in pain all the time, and some days I can’t even walk. My hip is also worse than it was. Because of this, I now have a crutch (to try and take the weight off my hip so it’s not as bad) and a wheelchair (for when the tiredness and pain get too much, and for when I can’t walk). I’ve named the wheelchair Freedom as it means I can now go out again, whereas before I was cancelling pretty much everything as I was either too tired or in too much pain to walk. If I do go out, I spend the next day barely able to stay awake (normally sleeping around 16-18 hours of it) and struggling to move, even to go to the toilet or back up to bed. Sometimes I even have to sleep on the sofa because I can’t get up the stairs. The day after I’m still exhausted and finding it hard to move, but I only sleep around 14 hours, and then it takes a few days to get back to my normal sleep 8-12 hours and can move around the flat freely, if not for long. That’s why I don’t go out much, and why I’ve got the wheelchair.

Overall though, I’m a lot better. Okay, so physically I’m a lot worse than I was, but I can adapt to that. I’ve also seen the doctor, and he’s confident he’ll have me back to normal (or at least better than I am now) before September. This is important, as I’m going back to college then I’m doing AS Computing this year, with Edexcel WorkSkills at Interface, and should be in college 2 1/2 days a week. Next year I’m hoping to do the A2 Computing, and then after that, if my grades are good enough, go do the Computer and Network Technology Extended Degree at Northumbria (it includes a foundation year). It’s the long way of doing it, but hopefully two years part time will be long enough to get me sorted out.

I’m still playing World of Warcraft. I’ve killed the Lich King, and we’re working on Ruby Sanctum now. I spend a lot less time in there- pretty much only log in for raids. I haven’t the concentration needed to do other stuff really.

Other than that I’ve not been up to much. I’m hoping to begin blogging properly again now.

Lil’ XT + Toy Train Set Direct Link

Celestial Steed direct link

Okay…

(stolen from http://www.mmo-champion.com/news-2/season-8-armor-sets-season-8-weapon-models/270/)

Since I’ve not blogged about World of Warcraft recently, and that’s all I’ve been doing the last few weeks, I thought I’d mention what I’ve been doing.

Caitlynisha is now Danní. Danní is currently one of the main healers for Contains Mild Peril’s Icecrown Citadel 10 man runs, where we’ve cleared the first wing, and are now looking at the second. She’s also been doing other raids- mainly TotC 10 and 25, sometimes Ulduar 10 and 25 and Onyxia 10 and 25 (some guild runs, some pick up groups). As we’re a social guild that also raids, rather than a raiding guild, these are done for fun (with a bit of progression for ICC 10) rather than because we have to see the end game now, ktnxbai. If we wipe, we roll for blame (Danní’s never rolled lowest, so she’s currently blame-free ). She’s also recently been looking at achievements, the most recent notable one being Higher Learning.

I’ve also started a character on the Horde side (traitor!). A Blood Elf Paladin (to take advantage of the Heirlooms I have, and because it’s easy when your brain doesn’t work properly) called Catalia, she’s level 26 at the moment and it’s interesting levelling up a character on the other side. Luckily for me, I already had some friends on the Horde side from IRC and one of them was kind enough to invite me to a guild. I’m hoping to get her to 80, but I’m in no real rush- I just want to see the game as a Hordie than an Ally sometimes.

I’m not really playing my other alts at the moment, though I’m still wanting to get Dannilion to level 80, more so she can help my gold situation than anything else. I’ll play the others when I feel like it.

So I’m still very suicidal and stuff. Nothing anyone can do- the things that will help either take forever or are now closed off forever. Would be dead, but medication has been added, then increased, and I can barely walk to the toilet, never mind anywhere outside. It feels like the muscle weakness you get with the flu, only with a bit less pain. I can’t even bounce any more. Oh, I’ve also put on 16lbs (1 stone 2lbs, 7.26kg) in weight since I started this medication 16 days ago (1lb a day then), not helped by the fact I’m hungry all the time, and don’t feel full. Oh yes, and that normally I’m in constant motion and now I can’t, because any movement is tiring, including computer stuff. I’ve worked out a way to rest my arms so only my fingers have to move while I’m typing, as that’s less tiring.

The medication is pregabalin, which I have for anxiety. For that, it’s actually working quite well, though before the increase caused the weakness problems it was still making me very tired/sleep too much/eat too much. Of course, the trazodone/quetiapine combo were also making me sleep too much and be tired all the time, but I’d found a new baseline for them so I know the pregabalin is making things worse. Since I’m worth so little death is too good for me, I’m stuck being tired, hungry and weak until I see the psychiatrist again on Monday. The stuff in my head is torture, and a lot of it is scaring me. I’m also a terrible friend, and fiancée, and just a terrible person. I don’t want to have to live any more.

I’m also being really antisocial, because my brain doesn’t work well enough to communicate (when I’m not being nasty to my friends, that is). I’m playing World of Warcraft and talking about that, but anything else is too difficult most of the time.

Other than that, I’ve ordered a tumble dryer and bought Johan’s 21st birthday present. I’m hoping I don’t spoil his birthday too much.